The Practice of Non-Attachment

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The practice of non-attachment is a very tricky subject. The immediate way most people respond to such a practice, is the belief of not caring. But this is absolutely false and couldn’t be further away from the truth.  Non-attachment will NOT ever mean: not caring, being emotionless, being cold or being dead inside. It is the complete opposite. In fact, if you practice non-attachment correctly, it is the purest form of unconditional and self-less love. All other forms of attachment are limited because of conditions and thus are selfish in nature. 

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Let’s take a look at one of the most common examples of attachment there is: being in love. Most people want to find love because they want a significant other who they can depend on for sex, intimacy or romance. If they can’t find someone that meets this criteria, they will look for it elsewhere. If they find someone, they will want to hold on to that person for as long they possibly can to fulfill their needs. Often times because of this, their relationship falls apart or leads to situations that involve jealousy, insecurity and control. The outcome of these can be so toxic that people get emotionally and physically abused.  All of this is because of one thing: attachment. 

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​​​​​​​​Attachment has conditions. It is a form of dependency. Because of this dependency, it leads to selfish behavior. It is because of this lack and incompletion, you feel the need to own something outside of you, something ‘out there’ that you think can complete you in some way. Unfortunately, since this world is full of change and nothing is permanent, any form of happiness you get outside of you will always be temporary as it is destined to disappear. It is impossible for this type of happiness to last forever. Due to the temporary nature of external objects (including people), attachment will always lead to suffering no matter what the object is because you will never be able to hold on to it forever. 

 

So now the question is: Is it possible to be unattached to a significant other? And is it possible to still care for them and love them as as much? The answer is a resounding YES.  

 

Before you get into a relationship with someone, it is important to first be happy with yourself and to not depend on anyone for that happiness. Only once you are fully content with who you are as a person, can you then be in a successful relationship. This is because you are not seeking someone to make you happy. You are already happy, so what is there that can complete you if you’re already fulfilled? Since you do not depend on anyone, you can fall into a relationship naturally and only give love to that person without expecting anything in return. This is not to say that you should be in a relationship with someone who does not give. You should always follow your heart, but there isn't anything that person can give you that will ultimately satisfy you.  You don’t expect anyone to give you anything in return. What can they possibly give you that can make you anymore happy or complete than you already are? As you can see, because there is no dependence and conditions involved, you will naturally love this person. Even if they don’t love you the same, you still give them love. You don’t need to love them any more less because of the amount that's reciprocated. There are no games here. It is unconditional and selfless love, without ego and pride.

 

There’s also a common misconception that you cannot own things if you are living with non-attachment. You can own things, but those things don't own you.  For example, someone who is attached to their car, may get angry if something bad happens to it. If they get into a small accident, they may scream at the other person who hits them. In this case, they don’t own the car, the car owns them. If something can pull you away from experiencing your own inner joy, it is because of attachment that pulls you to its respective direction. In this case, attachment to the car moved you from happiness to anger. Someone who is NOT attached, will not be budged by such occurrences. Ultimately they know it is just a vehicle carrying them from point A to point B and nothing more. Nothing ruins their day, because they understand that everything is temporary. What's the point of getting angry if you will forget about the accident altogether in the next few weeks or months?

 

Now, this doesn’t mean the unattached person cannot have a nice car or that they cannot wash it, install a nice sound system, or enhance it to make it fast. They can do all of these things. But at the end of the day, no matter what happens to their car, they will just acknowledge and move on with their life. 

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This means the practice of non-attachment is at the level of the mind, rather than at the level of the physical body.  You can never truly know who is non-attached because the attitude is within the mind. It may seem like they are totally attached as depicted by the person who takes good care of their car, but at the level of the mind, it may be a different story. However, you can clearly tell who is attached to something by how well they handle situations. It is clear as day as to who are attached to the results of their actions versus who are not. 

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Non-attachment is also a great way to keep your mind invincible. For example, when someone says something hurtful to you, a normal reaction would be to get upset or angry. But why should you allow yourself to be this way by mere words? Let’s take a look at this more in depth. Someone outside of you says something made up of words and sound. Those words in the form of sound registers within you. You give it meaning and then the meaning produces an emotion inside. Depending on the meaning, the emotion may vary. You then react to it depending on the emotion felt (whether good or bad). That emotion also builds up inside of you and stays inside for a length of time: sometimes hours, days, weeks, months or even longer.  This is all because of attachment. In this case you are attached to the meaning behind words that were communicated to you. Your attachment may also be fueled by pride and ego to protect your false identity. 

 

For someone who is non-attached, they don’t let anything stick to them. So if someone said something hurtful, the words are registered within, it is acknowledged but then is removed. They are not controlled by their emotions. It’s almost as if someone says time out and they have this free time to breathe in and out and release all the negative energy, and then someone says time in and they respond back to the person in a state of mind they were in before the person even said something hurtful to them. Therefore they react better to situations. This is how the mind remains invincible. If someone can change your joy to anger or sadness, it only means you are weak. You are weak because someone can change you. Why should you allow anyone to deter you from abiding in your own happiness?  By being non-attached, a person is indifferent to everything.  Neither good nor bad things affect them.  They flow through life without any resistance.

 

Leading a life of attachment not only makes you weak.  It makes you full of emotion, anger, pride and sadness. I often sometimes hear good people (even activists) who are fueled by their emotions especially when seeing or hearing about people who go through bad situations like war, sickness, accidents, cruelty, etc. It is this attachment that diminishes their productivity. How can you do your job as an activist if you are flooded with emotion?  How can you help those in need if you’re feeling down? Don’t you think you can give 100% more effort by keeping your mind stable with your objective firm at hand? Attachment to things is therefore counter-productive. As mentioned before, being non-attached means being invincible and also without conditions, so all you can ever do is give, give, give. Nothing holds you back. This doesn’t mean you are cold or dead inside, it just means you can see through every situation with a stable mind and only act out of unconditional love. What good is it being attached and depressed all day from unfortunate events you witness? How can you control anything that happens in life? Building up negative energy not only sticks on to you but sticks on other people, which only does more harm than good. It does not help any situation at all. 

 

We must understand that the fundamental reality underlying all things and beings is eternal in nature.  Death and suffering are mere experiences that are temporary and will not last forever. It is like a watching a character die in a movie, but seeing that person alive in real life. We are all playing temporary roles and our true identity will always be present. With this knowledge stable, you can still do your work while understanding the temporary nature of the false world. Why should you let this false appearance trick you? This doesn't mean you should remove the motivation to do work since all is an illusion. What good is it by suppressing actions that will need to unfold regardless? You should rather perform your actions while knowing all is one and that everything will turn out okay in the end. 

 

All of the things mentioned in this article so far is the art of non-attachment at the level of the mind.  This will help you to be non-attached to objects, situations, etc. while the mind is in use. The purest form of non-attachment however, is not just being unattached IN the mind, but being unattached FROM the mind. This means not being attached to your false identity. Since your true nature is pure awareness, the false character that you perceive right now is just a temporary body-mind character that you operate in order to experience life and to eventually come to a recognition that you are much greater than this limited form. This means non-attachment shouldn't just be practiced to give you a sense of freedom while operating the body-mind, but should be practiced so you become free by being detached from the body-mind as it is not fundamentally yours. The more you recognize your true nature, the more you become non-attached to the false self. You begin to look at your body and mind objectively as just a spectator/witness.  If this can be held naturally and permanently, moksha can be produced.

 

In order to produce moksha, we must embody the purest and highest form of non-attachment which is being free from this false character that we are identified with. This recognition will be known more for what it truly is as you perform your sadhanas or spiritual practices depending on the path you have chosen. But for a beginner, you must practice the lower level forms of non-attachment to purify the mind so that you gain the power to practice non-attachment in its purest form.

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When detached from body-mind identity, you will transcend these temporary experiences and abide in your own nature as COMPLETE, FULL and ETERNAL AWARENESS.  For those who are truly non-attached, any action made is without conditions.  It is made without motive, intention or control. If you apply non-attachment to every experience in your life, it will turn all selfish actions into selfless actions. If actions are truly *SELF-LESS*, then who is it that is performing them?

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Stay tuned...